The Age of Loneliness

age of loneliness

When I was first asked if I would consent to being featured in a documentary about loneliness, I was pretty nonplussed.

Although my wife and I had just split up and I was spending at least part of the week living on my own, I still hadn’t come to terms with my own feelings, let alone being ready to talk about them on camera.

Could I really go on the telly and tell people how bereft I felt?

Who would want to hear my tales of woe anyway?

What would my kids say?

What would my mates think?

Come to think of it, I knew the answer to that last question.

Eventually, after some back and forth with the producer about how my story would be handled, I agreed to mull their suggestion over.

That night, I talked to my boys about the documentary.

‘Are you really lonely?’ Joe asked.

‘Will I be on the telly?’ William wanted to know.

I explained to the boys that, since their mum and I separated, I hadn’t had anyone to share life’s trials and tribulations with, to snuggle up with on the sofa, to cook for.

‘I don’t know about the snuggle bit, but you can cook for us any time you want,’ William reassured me.

‘And you can share life’s trials and tribuwotsits with us too if you like,’ Joe chipped in.

Ah, bless.

The truth is, I needed to talk to someone about my loneliness. I’m not one of those men that find it hard to talk about their emotions. In my case, I am quite prepared to open up when I feel it would help.

My problem was that I didn’t have anyone to open up to. The kids are great but when all’s said and done, they’re teenagers. Their capacity for listening is pretty minimal at the best of times, but it’s non-existent when what they are being asked to absorb is an outpouring of their father’s innermost feelings.

My wife was now my ex so I wasn’t about to confide in her. My mates would have been embarrassed to be forced into having such a conversation and my mother would have told me a few home truths that I wasn’t ready to hear.

So that left me with two options. Either talk to myself or confide in a cool Scottish woman with a camera.

Thinking what the hell. I made the call.

me interview

And I haven’t regretted my decision for one second since.

Sue Bourne is a fantastic documentary-maker. Known for programmes such as Fabulous Fashionistas, My Street and Wink, Meet, Delete, Sue handled the subject matter sensitively.

We had a fantastic time filming my story – a process this blog describes.

celebrity chef

The process even helped me come to terms with my loneliness. Sue got me to open up about how hard I had found the whole break-up thing. She made me realise how much my life had changed over the previous few months.

‘I don’t want to come across as a sad sap,’ I told her.

‘What are you doing about addressing your loneliness?’ She asked me.

Er, good question.

In truth, the answer at that point was not a lot.

Instead of going out, making new connections and meeting new people, I had been hiding away in my study for the previous few months writing Six Months to Get a Life, my not autobiographical at all novel about a man learning to live again after his divorce, and Six Lies, my second rom-com with a twist.

Bennewdoubleposter

Sue’s question made me realise that I would indeed look like a wet blanket if I hadn’t started enacting a plan to rebuild my life by the time the camera crew turned up on my doorstep.

Gradually, over the summer, I forced myself to start thinking more positively. Because I had been able to talk about my recent past, I began to stop blaming myself for my marriage ‘failing’. I learnt to look myself in the mirror without cringing. I grew to like myself again.

Once I felt ready, I signed up with an internet dating site. ‘Half-blind sad lonely middle-aged man with two teenage boys seeks Swedish super model,’ my profile read. Or something like that…

Remarkably enough, by the time Sue and her fantastic entourage turned up armed with expensive recording equipment and almost as expensive sandwiches, I had recovered somewhat from the low point I was at when I agreed to be featured in the documentary. I had met someone new. Sue, you may yet turn out to be my Cilla.

dating couple

Looking back on that difficult time in my life, talking about my loneliness, even to a film crew, certainly helped me in my recovery. As did writing novels that did their best to give people hope that a mid-life crisis is sometimes no bad thing in the long run.

Being in the documentary has raised my awareness of loneliness in its different forms. 19-year-old Isabel who is spending her first year at university, and Emily, a stay-at-home mum in her thirties, will, like me, hopefully find that their loneliness is temporary.

But Bob, a 93-year-old widower, and Olive, who will have received her telegram from the Queen by now, expect to have to live with their loneliness for the rest of their lives.

I have seen the final cut of the film, which is being broadcast tonight at 10.35 on BBC1. It features people of all ages, from a variety of backgrounds. It is beautifully shot and expertly edited, with the various vignettes woven into a moving account of loneliness in twenty-first century Britain.

Although I admit to feeling a bit sheepish about how my friends are going to react to The Age of Loneliness, one thing is for sure. I don’t regret being involved in the project. Loneliness is something that will affect most if not all of us at some point in our lives.

Being lonely is nothing to be ashamed of.

Ben

11 thoughts on “The Age of Loneliness

  1. Sue Vincent January 7, 2016 / 7:02 am

    We live in an age where so many of the traditional connections are now handled online, and where befriending someone has generally taken on a new and less meaningful definition in many ways… and yet we have access to so many new ways to meet people. But loneliness can still strike and not just for the elderly and forgotten people. The loneliest time of my life was in my twenties in Paris… where I was incredibly happy to be, yet so lonely it ached.
    I’m glad to hear there is some light on your horizon, Ben.

    • Ben Adams January 8, 2016 / 1:28 pm

      Sue, thanks for the comment. Social media is a weird thing when it comes to loneliness. As Kylie from NZ said on the documentary last night, you can sometimes look at it and see all your friends seemingly having more fun than you. But on the other hand it can keep you in touch with your friends when you aren’t physically near them. I do wonder what long-term impact it might have on our children’s generation. Kids these days interact with each other without leaving their own homes. At least they are talking to their friends, but is social media or Skype equipping them with the skills to meet new people or to interact in ways that their future employer might want them to? Only time will tell I suppose.

      • Sue Vincent January 8, 2016 / 3:45 pm

        I live alone in the south of England while my friends live in the north. My sons live locally, but have their own lives, though I see one every day. Without the internet, there would be little socialising at all… yet I have to ask whether, without the internet, would I be going out more and meeting people…or just mouldering at home. All the best things are double edged; the responsibility lies with us as to how we use them… and perhaps how we teach today’s children to use them. It is those who have no-one at all that hurt me most.

  2. Wendy Clarke January 7, 2016 / 7:09 am

    Now this is one documentary I can’t miss, Ben! It seems a long time since your interview on my humble blog. Glad your life is sorting itself out now.

    • Ben Adams January 8, 2016 / 1:29 pm

      Wendy, I’ve just come out from behind the sofa. Is it over yet?

  3. cate5harris January 8, 2016 / 12:16 am

    Heard you on woman’s hour and watched the programme tonight. Excellent – covered a real spectrum of loneliness. Have enjoyed reading some of your blog and now I’m about to buy a book! I’m a P/T teacher and mum of four young children – not sure when it’ll get read but looking forward to it. Best wishes, Kate

  4. cate5harris January 8, 2016 / 12:53 pm

    Hmmmmm. For anyone wondering when they missed Ben on ‘Woman’s Hour’ …complete fiction. I can’t even claim Christmas confusion since that’s well past. Never mind. So glad to have discovered him.

    • Ben Adams January 8, 2016 / 1:39 pm

      Sorry, it has taken me a while to get back to my blog. Thanks for leaving a comment. Just to say, you aren’t going completely mad. There was actually something about the documentary on woman’s hour. From memory, I think Sue, the programme’s producer – a fantastic and inspirational woman – was on. She must have some magic about her to be able to get a bunch of people to pour their hearts out on television!

  5. fruitcake22 February 8, 2016 / 11:59 am

    This was such a pleasure to read and I’m glad that the whole experienced helped you (:

  6. Carl Longden May 1, 2016 / 8:00 pm

    Hi Ben, the TV prog was very good. Loneliness is a growing problem due to people livng longer – which sounds very cold and clinical. But I know from personal experience to be true. However society seems to want to drop the sfiff upper lip attitude and a good thing too. So hopefully loneliness and isolation can be now viewed with more understanding. However I was intrigued by the lady who chose to live in the countryside, alone and seemed content. I myself would struggle to cope with being alone but luckily I am ok at the moment. One final thought: it would be good to have a follow up programme in a year or so to see how the participants are managing. Thanks.

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